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See-saw

As a child I remember one moment rather vividly. We were sat on a see-saw, you and I, and as we went about our usual business, enjoying the feeling of going up and down, something stirred within me.

As it was my turn to go down, I felt something strange in that brief moment looking up to you. The sun was behind your head, as was a clear vast sky with only a few fluffy clouds and the passing of a flock of white geese in the distance. The brown of the roof and faded red of the bricks of the small candy shop built on the playground’s premises, were barely visible. It was a different world altogether, detached from anything vile or inconvenient. You were smiling so gaily up there and I realised our fates from that point on.

With my knees bent, leaning heavily on my hands, I waited a brief moment, allowing you to laugh from your position on top. We were both anticipating the next movement.

Tensing my muscles and grinding my feet against the roots of the grass, digging deeply into the damp soil beneath my feet, I was preparing for it. From the sudden pull on my seat I felt the exact moment gravity had you back in its grasps. I swallowed away the dry feeling in my throat. With a strong leap it was my turn to soar the sky and as I was lifted and you were laughing at the butterflies in your stomach, I was raised up into that same world you bathed in moments ago.

We have always been two children on a see-saw. If one was up, it would inevitably mean the other would go down. Like a cold hard formula, an inevitable rule created by this very universe; it was impossible for the both of us to be lifted into the clear sky and to have the sun kiss our crowns at the same time.

In that moment I realised that everything was temporary, that you and I would finish the way we did right there. I realised that we could not live with nor without each other. We could scarcely enjoy the see-saw on our own.

However, your blushing face, flushed with excitement at our game, did not seem to register the same things I did that day. It would in due time…

It was the day I knew I had fallen. It was also the day I knew how similar we were in disposition, yet different in all other senses. It was when I knew that, exactly because I was aware of it, I should not be passed the opportunity to rise.

If only we had been computers, if only I didn’t like you at all, if I had cared about nothing but the most beneficial result, I would have certainly decided a different path for myself. But it was impossible. The day I realised we would ruin each other was also the day I realised we could be each other’s deepest happiness. It was the day I realised I had fallen and would make no move to get back up, all this, before the real game had even started.

It was the day I fell in love with you and out of love with myself.

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